Stages of Grief and How to Heal
Grief can feel like standing at the edge of a vast, shifting landscape - one moment a storm of emotion, the next a misleading calm. While you may have heard of the classic “five stages of grief,” the reality is far more personal, fluid, and unpredictable. In this post, we’ll walk through commonly described stages of grief, invite you to see them not as strict checkpoints but as possible experiences, and share evidence-based strategies for how to heal, find meaning, and move forward with your grief rather than simply trying to get rid of it.
1. Understanding the Stages of Grief
The Five-Stage Model
The most widely known framework is the one developed by Elisabeth Kübler‑Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, originally describing how people facing their own terminal diagnoses respond to that news.
The five stages are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Importantly:
These are not guaranteed to happen in this order.
You may experience some, all, or none of the stages.
The original model was for terminal illness; applying it to all loss is metaphorical.
Alternative frameworks & critiques
Another respected model is the Four-Phase model by John Bowlby and Colin Murray Parkes, which describes:
Shock & Numbness
Yearning & Searching
Disorganization & Despair
Reorganization & Recovery
There is increasing recognition that any “stages” model is a heuristic, not a rulebook. As one expert writes: these models help frame what you may be feeling - they don’t prescribe how you must feel.
2. What Each Stage Might Feel Like & How to Work With It
Below, we use the five-stage model as a lens - but take the interpretations as guides, not must-dos.
Denial
What it may feel like:
“It can’t be real.”
Numbness. Dissociation. Carrying on as though nothing changed.
How to heal in this stage:Give yourself permission to feel less than you expect to feel. Numbness can be a protective mechanism.
Grounding exercise: pick one small physical ritual (e.g., lighting a candle at a set time) to gently acknowledge the loss.
Reach out to one trusted person and say: “I feel numb / I don’t feel much right now.” Naming it begins movement.
Anger
What it may feel like:
Frustration, rage, resentment - at the loss, at the person lost, at yourself, at life.
How to heal in this stage:Write a free letter of anger (you don’t have to send it) to release feelings.
Channel energy: go for a brisk walk, hit a punching bag, draw or paint abstract lines of emotion. These don’t eliminate the feeling but give it space.
Ask: What is this anger protecting me from feeling? Sometimes anger hides fear, guilt or helplessness.
Bargaining
What it may feel like:
“If only… I could go back… I would do anything…”
We try to negotiate with reality, with fate, with ourselves.
How to heal in this stage:Recognize: bargaining often reflects our desire for control in a situation that we can’t control.
Practice: “What is in my circle of control right now?” Write three things you can influence.
Ritual of farewell: Write or say aloud what you would say if you had one more moment — this helps shift from what-if to what-is.
Depression (or deep sadness)
What it may feel like:
Profound sorrow, exhaustion, withdrawal, life feels different.
How to heal in this stage:Recognize when sadness becomes something more. Seek professional help if you have persistent suicidal thoughts, inability to function, or the weight is increasing rather than easing.
Create a “memory window” ritual: pick a safe time each day (e.g., 10 minutes) where you allow the grief to “flow”. Outside that window you give your mind permission to rest.
Small steps: set one tiny goal each day - even just getting dressed, going outside, or calling a friend. These micro-actions connect you to life even while you’re in grief.
Acceptance
What it may feel like:
Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re okay that the loss happened. Rather: you recognise the new reality, and gradually build a new normal.
How to heal in this stage:Journal: What am I carrying forward from this person / this loss? What do I want to build now?
Legacy action: Create one act that honours what the loss meant — planting a tree, starting a memory box, telling a story.
Reach out: Helping others who are grieving reminds you that life continues and connection matters.
3. Healing in a Non-Linear, Individual Way
There is no roadmap that fits everyone. You may move back and forth between stages, skip some, or feel them all at once.
Be gentle with yourself. One day you might feel acceptance, the next anger resurfaces — that’s normal.
Use the metaphor of waves: grief comes in waves of differing intensity and duration. The goal isn’t to stop the waves, but to learn to surf them.
Anchor in routines and rituals that ground you: sleep hygiene, movement, community, meaningful memorial acts.
Read more:
4. Practical Tools & Strategies for Healing
Here are concrete tactics you can incorporate:
Memory Journal: Write one memory each day (even brief) of the person or the loss. Over time this builds a richer archive of connection rather than absence.
Network of care: Identify 3 people or communities you can turn to when you need to express grief. Having at least one person who “knows you’re still grieving” matters.
Time-box your grief: Create a designated space/time in your week for your grief-work — letting other times be life-work.
Physical movement: Grief affects the body. Incorporate walking, yoga, breathwork — movement helps release emotional energy.
Legacy act: Choose one action that honours the meaning of the loss (create a digital memory, plant a tree, write a letter to your future self about what you’ve learnt).
Professional support: If you’re finding you can’t function, feel stuck for months with high intensity, or have thoughts of harming yourself — seek a grief counsellor or therapist.
FAQ
Q: Does everyone go through every stage?
A: No - you might experience some, all, or none. The stages are tools to understand and name what you’re feeling, not strict chapters you must pass through. siue.edu+1
Q: How long does it take to heal?
A: There’s no fixed timeline. Some people find relief in months, others take years - and the waves of grief may recur on anniversaries, unexpected triggers or life milestones. Cleveland Clinic
Q: When should I seek professional help?
A: If grief prevents you from functioning (work, relationships, self-care), or you experience persistent suicidal thoughts, or grief feels stuck for many months with no light at all - it’s time to seek a therapist or counsellor.
Q: Can I feel joy again? Will I forget?
A: Feeling joy again doesn’t mean you forgot. It means you’re allowing life to continue alongside the memory and love of what was lost. Grief and joy can co-exist - the new normal is expanded, not empty.
Closing
Grief is not a problem to fix. It is a journey to walk through - with courage, compassion, and connection. It’s about holding what was precious, feeling what is present, and living what is possible. Let this framework of stages guide you, but let your own story lead you. And remember: you are not alone.
