Going Back to Work After Losing Someone

It's normal to feel anxious about going back to work after a bereavement leave. My strategy was to rehearse my line if ever a colleague suddenly asks how I am. I even practiced a shrug and a smile.

"I'm okay, life must go on."

But when it actually happens, I can't seem to find my voice.

If you're reading this in preparation to return to work or if you struggle grieving at work, maybe you can relate.

The First Day Back

The length of a bereavement leave depends on the company. Two weeks is not enough, but I've got bills to pay, and I'm still a good employee.

The night before, I thought the hardest part of returning to work after loss would be the tasks I left behind. There is a lot of catching up to do and remembering where I left off.

But on the first day back, the hardest part was actually walking through the door and seeing familiar faces. Everyone knows someone died, and as much as I'm anxious, they also don't know how to approach me and what to say to me.

It's weird to feel overly attentive to how I react to things. Should I laugh at a funny scenario at work, or is it disrespectful because someone just died and I'm not allowed to even smile?

The Performance of Being Fine

Working while grieving felt like trying to do two impossible jobs at once: my actual job and the job of appearing functional enough that people wouldn't worry.

It's hard enough to mingle, let alone pretend to be fine when I'm not.

With small talk, I know people meant well. But I learned quickly that most people don't actually know what to say to someone who's grieving. So they either said nothing, or they said things like:

"She's in a better place now." (Is she? Because I'd rather she was here.)

"At least she's not suffering anymore." (True, but I'm suffering now.)

"Time heals all wounds." (Cool, how much time? Because this feels endless.)

"Let me know if you need anything." (I need my mom back, but thanks.)

I know these comments come from a good place. People genuinely want to help but don't know how. Still, this toxic positivity made me feel worse.

The Unexpected Triggers

One of the things nobody warned me about was how random the triggers would be at work.

We cannot avoid topics in the workplace that remind us of our loss. Something might be mentioned in a meeting, colleagues might talk about a memory, or I might see something that takes me back in time. 

I learned to keep a poker face through these moments and wait until I could escape. But it was exhausting.

When Your Brain Won't Cooperate

Here's something you should know: your brain doesn't work right when you're grieving.

I have encountered the term "grief brain" before, but I didn't really understand it until I was sitting at my desk, staring at a simple email that I couldn't seem to understand. Tasks that used to take me twenty minutes were now taking an hour. If I start working on something, I realize I've been staring at the screen for ten minutes without actually doing anything.

I forgot meetings. I lost track of conversations mid-sentence. I kept making weird mistakes or losing my train of thought.

In addition to the grief, there is also guilt that I was failing at my job.

The Loneliness of Grieving at Work

One of the strangest parts of returning to work after loss was the loneliness.

I can't help but compare. Everyone else's lives had kept going, while I felt like I was on a different planet, trying to remember how to be a person who cared about normal things.

Lunch breaks were the worst. People would chat about their weekends, their families, and their plans. And I'd sit there thinking how I cannot join the conversation because of my unfortunate situation.

The contrast was painful. I was grieving alone, and everyone around me was just normal.

FAQs about going back to work after a loss:

Q: When is the right time to go back to work after a loss?
A: There is no universal timeline for returning to work after losing a loved one. The right time depends on emotional readiness, support systems, job demands, and cultural expectations around mourning.

Q: Should I tell my coworkers the details of my loss?
A: That's entirely up to you. You can tell a few close colleagues more details because it might help you feel less alone. Share only what feels comfortable and only with people you trust.

Q: Is it normal to struggle at work after a loss?
A: Yes, struggling at work after a loss is very common and completely normal. Grief can affect concentration, memory, motivation, and emotional regulation, which may impact productivity. Many grieving employees experience brain fog, fatigue, or emotional overwhelm in the workplace.

Q: What if I feel guilty for returning to work?
A: Feeling guilty about going back to work after someone dies is a common grief response. Many people worry that resuming normal life means forgetting or dishonoring their loved one. Returning to work does not diminish love, grief, or remembrance. It reflects survival.

Q: How can I cope with grief while working?
A: Coping with grief at work often involves pacing yourself, setting realistic expectations, and taking regular breaks when possible. Small routines, quiet moments, and grounding techniques can help manage emotional waves during the workday.