Things You Should Know Before Going Back to Work After a Loss
We usually hear other people telling grieving coworkers to "take it day by day" or "be kind to yourself." I wish someone had told me the truth before my first day back. I needed someone to tell me that returning to work after a death would feel like being an actor, pretending to function like a normal human being.
My bereavement leave only allowed five days. I have five days to process losing a person special to me and somehow emerge ready to answer emails and attend meetings.
Here's what I learned in those brutal first weeks of grief at work, and what I wish someone had told me before I walked through those office doors.
Your Brain Won't Work Right
My brain felt broken.
I'd sit at my computer staring at emails I'd read three times and still couldn't comprehend. Tasks that used to take twenty minutes suddenly took two hours. I'd walk into meetings and forget why I was there mid-conversation.
Others may think you're being lazy or incompetent. They don't understand that grief brain is a real phenomenon that affects concentration, memory, and cognitive function. Your mind is processing trauma while also trying to pretend everything's normal. It's exhausting, and it makes you feel like you're failing at your job on top of everything else.
Writing everything down helped me. Slowly but surely, I take down notes on every task, instruction, and thought that might evaporate in thirty seconds. I kept a notebook with me constantly because I literally couldn't trust my brain to remember anything.
Lower your expectations. You're not going to be employee of the month right now, and that's okay.
Bereavement Leave Is Never Enough
Most companies offer 3-5 days of bereavement leave for immediate family members, though some are more generous. Either way, it won't be enough. Not even close.
For most of us, there's no choice. Bills don't stop. Rent is still due. So we go back before we're ready because if not, it's going to be a financial disaster.
If you have any flexibility in your job, use it:
Ask about a phased return: Can you start with part-time hours for the first couple of weeks while you're still in the early days of grieving?
Use your sick days and vacation days: Save your unused sick leaves and vacation leaves, and stack them after your bereavement leave to give yourself more time.
Be honest about what you can handle: Tell your manager if you need to lessen your workload and take on fewer high-stress projects for a while, permission to work from home some days, or flexibility to leave if you're having a breakdown.
I didn't do any of this. Don't just show up and try to white-knuckle through it. It's hard.
You'll Need Responses Ready
The awkwardness starts the moment you walk in.
Having prepared responses for your colleagues helps you feel more in control when you're already emotionally raw.
Here's what I learned to say:
For "How are you?": "I'm managing, thanks for asking." (Don't feel obligated to give real answers to casual questions.)
For intrusive questions: "I appreciate your concern, but I'm not ready to talk about details right now."
For well-meaning but painful comments: A simple "Thank you" and then changing the subject. You don't have to engage with every "at least" or "everything happens for a reason."
For when you need to escape: "Excuse me, I need to step out for a moment." No explanation required.
One thing that helped me was telling my manager before I returned what kind of support I needed. Did I want people to acknowledge it or pretend nothing happened? Did I want to talk about it or not? Having an ambassador who could communicate your preferences to the team meant I didn't have to repeat myself to everyone.
The Triggers Will Blindside You
You think you know what will be hard. The first birthday without them. Holidays. Anniversaries.
But it's the random, unexpected moments that destroy you. There may be instances where you suddenly remember the memories. You get emotional about the things that remind you of your loved one.
You can't prepare for all the triggers, but here's what you can do:
Know where your safe spaces are: Find a bathroom or an empty conference room where you can have a moment privately if you need to.
Have an exit strategy: If you're in a meeting and get overwhelmed, know that you can leave. Just stand up and go. Your mental health is more important than any meeting.
Be kind to yourself when it happens: You're not being dramatic or overreacting. Your grief is showing up, and that's allowed. Don't punish yourself for getting emotional.
You'll Feel Lonely in a Room Full of People
This was the strangest part for me. Grief can be incredibly isolating because people don't know how to connect with you when you come back to work.
Everyone else's lives kept going. While my entire world collapsed, they were having normal weeks. I felt like I was on a different planet, watching Earth from a distance.
The loneliness was crushing because no one could really understand. And I was too exhausted to explain.
What helped: finding one person I could be real with. For me, it was a coworker who'd lost his dad a few years earlier. Having someone around who I can relate with means I didn't have to pretend.
Find your person if you can. Someone who gets it or who's at least willing to sit with the messiness without trying to fix it.
You Don't Have to Be "Over It" on Anyone's Timeline
The worst part of going back to work is that after a few weeks, people expect you to be "back to normal."
But grief doesn't work that way. You might be worse during the third month than you were at month one. You might have a good week and then suddenly spiral again. Grief is unpredictable, so it's hard to know how you'll feel about work until that day arrives.
Some people will get impatient with your continued grief. They'll suggest therapy. They'll make comments about "moving on." Ignore them. Your grief doesn't have to be hurried. You're processing a massive loss while also trying to function in a world that doesn't want to make space for that.
I'm still figuring it out. Some days are easier. Some days I still cry in my car during lunch. But I've stopped apologizing for still grieving. This is my timeline, and it's the only one that matters.
It's Okay If You Can't Do This
Sometimes, going back to work after losing someone just isn't possible yet. And that's okay.
If you're having panic attacks every morning before work, if you're so depressed you can barely function, if the idea of walking into that office makes you feel like you're suffocating, listen. Your body is telling you something.
Maybe you need more time. Maybe you need to look into a longer leave of absence. Maybe you need grief therapy to help you process before you can handle work again.
There's no shame in not being able to do it. Survival looks different for everyone.
Going back to work after a death is about doing what you have to do to survive, one incredibly difficult day at a time. Be gentle with yourself. Lower your expectations. Ask for help when you need it. And know that eventually, it will get a little easier.
You're doing something impossibly hard. The fact that you're even trying is enough.
FAQs about things you should know before going back to work after a loss:
Q: Is it normal to feel unready when returning to work after a loss?
A: Yes, feeling unready when going back to work after a loss is very common. Grief does not follow a schedule, and workplace timelines often move faster than emotional healing. Feeling uncertain or overwhelmed does not mean you are failing—it means you are grieving.
Q: How might grief affect my work performance?
A: Grief can affect concentration, memory, energy levels, and emotional regulation at work. Many people experience brain fog, fatigue, or reduced productivity after a loss. These effects are normal grief responses and often fluctuate over time.
Q: Should I ask for workplace accommodations after a loss?
A: Yes, asking for workplace accommodations after a loss can be helpful and appropriate. Common accommodations include flexible hours, reduced workload, remote work options, or gradual return-to-work plans. Many employers are willing to support grieving employees when needs are clearly communicated.
Q: Do I need to explain my grief to coworkers?
A: No, you are not required to explain your grief or share personal details with coworkers. You can choose how much or how little to disclose. Setting clear boundaries can protect your emotional well-being while returning to work.
Q: What if returning to work makes my grief feel worse?
A: It is normal for grief to intensify when returning to work, especially in the early weeks. Structure and distraction can help some people, while others may feel emotionally overwhelmed. If work significantly worsens your grief, additional support such as therapy, extended leave, or adjusted responsibilities may be needed.
